I am SO sorry I haven’t written anything for the past month!
I am doing amazing, it’s 1am and this week alone has been so surreal that I’m suffer from derealization a little, but damn it, it’s so f**king worth it!
The big new first: On the 25th of August at 08:18, my sister gave birth to the most beautiful baby ever, Lola.
She had been having pains since Thursday and all of us were on edge up until Monday when she was finally born, we stayed up all night Sunday just in case and were exhausted by the time she was born.
With a massive family like mine I have seen lots of my cousin’s having their first, then second child, and nothing could’ve prepared me for the feelings I experienced.
Nothing can describe walking quietly into that room and meeting that gorgeous being. My sisters and I cried tears of pure joy at this tiny little miracle. Even thinking about it now makes me wanna start crying again. There are no words to describe how perfect that moment was. All 8 of us standing in that room. No arguing. No snide comments. Just utter silence and raw emotion. I can rarely think of any moment as perfect as that that involved any kind of human presence, besides my own. Much less with my family. Yesterday went so slowly that by the time it was evening it felt like it should’ve been later. I remember just smiling so much trying not to cry again or would’t be able to stop.
This morning we went to see her again when she came home with my sister and her boyfriend. It felt even more surreal holding her in my sister’s house, in familiar settings. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that this baby was theirs. It felt that any minute now, they would be taking her back to her real parents as if they were only temporarily borrowing her. They came round my other sister’s house where we had another dinner (had finished off a roast dinner the day before) we had even more cuddles with this gorgeous babe. The more I held her the more I found it hard to believe that she wouldn’t be taken away and I wouldn’t see her again until another family meet up like my cousins’s.
We’re all still in shock I think, it’s gonna take a lot of pinching to believe this has happened.
The other news: I’ve finally met someone. And he’s a keeper by the looks of things.
On the first couple of dates I got so nervous when I was in the same room as him that I thought I would have a panic attack. Butterflies in the stomach. Are. Not. Nice. In. The. Slightest. Since then I’ve been sleeping round his most of the time and, even though this all started four weeks ago it somehow feels so right. It feels like we’ve been together for a hell of a lot longer than we have been. I’m still a bit reserved and worry but I guess that’s only natural. He is a massive sweetheart, and albeit a bit on the slow side, I’m nearly ready to tell other people I love him and mean it. I still worry about that part but I guess that the love I had for my big ex will always make me compare to current loves as there was a lot of passion in our relationship. But I’m slowly on my way to believing this guy could be it. And he didn’t even come in with any kind of big drama. He came quietly into my life when it was falling into place.
Everything feel so surreal for me, like things are nearly falling into place, but if someone had told me a year, or even a few months ago that this would all happen, or that I’d feel like this, I wouldn’t of believed them. Not one bit.
You guys have gotta understand that up until this year my sisters had been living at home. That none of them would of known how much things would change in less than a year. This is the massive change I have been waiting for for years. To feel like an Adult, to feel independent and free and like I might nearly have my shit together when most people my age had that mentality years ago, before starting uni.
I just can’t even believe how happy I feel in myself and how much I feel like comfortable I feel being me, in every aspect of my life.
I really feel like that mental breakdown was really what I needed. I feel incredibly lucky that I’ve managed to reduce most of my anxiety when so many suffer as much as I did every day of their lives for years on end, and I’ve managed to see the light so soon. Maybe this was what I needed. That final kick up the ass to finally get to where I wanna be.
For now I’d like to think so.